Category: <span>The Third Option</span>

Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.    – Matthew 5:23-24

Good Day!

Last week we wrapped up the discussion of  Topic 9 – “Handling Anger Constructively,” and then began Topic 10 in The Third Option:  “Speaking the Truth in Love.”

Some thoughts on “Anger” –
We live in an age of rage…. By studying anger and its power, we can learn self-control….
We should reflect prayerfully about how we can incorporate [the following] ideals in our own lives:

•         To keep my life centered in God, as best I can, recognizing that when I do not, my natural self will generate things to become angry about;
•         To not condemn myself for feelings of anger;
•         To do everything I can to avoid acting on the basis of anger;
•         To clean up any problems I create as quickly as possible;
•         To recognize God’s help in this process;
•         To redirect the energy of anger away from hurting people, and toward improving conditionsfor people;
•         To be sensitive to injustice and evil, learning to be angry about the misery that sin inflicts on people without becoming controlled by anger.

                It has been my observation…. that each person who has sought God’s help in the understanding and resolution of his or her anger has, without exception, received that help….  It is the miracle of God’s love for us, the miracle of his redemptive grace.       –  Richard P. Walters; Men’s Devotional Bible (NIV); Zondervan
            

 Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognized by its fruit. You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him. But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.      – Matthew 12:33-37

Doug & Michele will wrap up “Speaking the Truth in Love” during our first hour on Monday.  For those who either missed last week, or simply want extra copies, the Topic 10 Worksheet and Discussion Notes are attached to this message.

I am RESPONSIBLE for my half of the DIALOGUE.  I cannot expect you to mind read or guess.    -The Third Option, Topic 10
Remember to look over the Worksheet for Topic 10, especially the “Suggested Exercise…” of setting aside a time (ideally on a daily basis…) to Practice GOOD Communication Skills.   Follow the suggestion of trying “non-controversial” subjects first, and then moving on to more difficult areas.

 Make a note – whether literally or mentally – of what technique(s) you try, how comfortable you feel with them, and how well they work for you.

Do you find yourself caught by any of the Roadblocks to Effective Speaking mentioned in the discussion?
Which one(s)?   How could you attempt to work around these?


Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.    – Ephesians 4:29

During our second hour on Monday we will turn our attention to Topic 11 – How to Fight Fair: Conflict Resolution
“This workshop attempts to show the importance of resolving, not avoiding, conflict, and gives a step-by-step process for doing so.”

We hope you will be able to join us as Tony & Linda kick off the final third of our study!

Have a Blessed Weekend –

– The Marriage Builders Team

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another…     – Hebrews 10:24-25  

    “I did everything you told me to,” an agitated client says, “and it doesn’t work….”
    We don’t hear complaints like this very often, but we do hear them…. We would be less than honest if we said that by learning and practicing effective relationship principles… you’re 100 percent assured of getting everything you want out of a relationship. You’re not.
    It is true that by living in the way God has outlined, you create a fertile environment in which healthy relationships can grow and flourish….  but it’s a far cry from a guarantee of success…..

    In my experience, “It doesn’t work” most often means, “My partner’s habits and behavior continue to make my life miserable.” “It doesn’t work” usually translates into some form of, “I can’t get my partner to change.”
    But what if that isn’t what God most wants? What if God most wants to change you?….

    Instead of asking,”What will work to get him [or her…] to  change,” what if you asked, “What kind of person should I be?”….
    To the extent that you define the problem or the goal in terms of the other person, you remain paralyzed. You will have no power to change anything.

    You can’t force the other person to change.
The only person you can change is yourself.  
                              – The DNA of Relationships, Dr. Gary Smalley:  Chapter 9 “What We Can Change”

Attachments

Worksheet #10
Topic #10 – Speaking Notes

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor….            – Isaiah 61:1-2

Greetings:

Yet another weekend – and the Start of Spring! – is sneaking up on us, so it is once again time to turn at least PART of our attention to “The Third Option”…..

Last week Tony & Linda wrapped up the discussion of “Childhood Issues and Emotional Baggage” during our first hour, and we began Topic #9 — “Handling Anger Constructively” — during the 2nd hour, looking at the distinction between Angry Feelings and Angry Behavior, and the C. U. T. T.  approach to dealing with anger Constructively.   (See Topic #9 Notes – attached)

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.    – 1 Corinthians 13:11

We all carry baggage from the past, whether due to our own actions, or to things that were imposed upon us.  Some of these are events that we can now look back upon as Lessons Learned, or perhaps that we can actually chuckle over (in hindsight, of course…).  But others are hurts or failures (whether real or merely perceived) still capable of causing Pain Now – and of negatively impacting our relationships: with our Spouse, Significant Others, Ourselves, and God…

As always, we hope that you will both Extend and Accept GRACE as you (and your spouse…) work through the process of overcoming past hurts and other painful memories.  This can be a difficult process, but remaining stuck in the past – whether carrying Guilt and / or a “Victim” attitude, without end – hinders our personal growth, as well as poisons our relationships; and we are called to growth, not remaining as we are:

Christian maturity is not starting out with Jesus, then graduating to something better. The Christian life is starting with Christ, then spending the rest of eternity discovering more and more of what we already have in Him, more and more of the wonders of this Person “in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.” (Colossians 2:3)

           “For this very reason,  make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.”
(2 Peter 1:5-8)

“But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins.” (2 Peter 1:9)

            …[M]any Christians today have an understanding of salvation that is not necessarily wrong, but much too small.”  
                     –  From Classic Christianity (“Life’s Too Short to Miss the Real Thing”), Chapter 4: “Forgiven to be Filled” and Chapter 8: “The Great Exchange,”  by Bob George

Alas, it is easier to speak (or write…) of overcoming the past, and moving on toward the pursuit of Christian Maturity – becoming closer and closer to Christ – than it is to put these plans into effect.  We pray that you will seek, and find, whatever help you may need, whether that be the mutual support of a loving spouse, carefully chosen friends, professional help – or all of the above!

In addition to Classic Christianity (quoted above), the following books might prove helpful (as always, there are MANY Excellent works available: these are merely a couple that happened to be at hand….):

Turn Your Life Around (“Break Free from Your Past to a New and Better You”), by Dr. Tim Clinton

Life’s Healing Choices (“Freedom from Your Hurts, Hang-ups, and Habits”), by John Baker

 The DNA of Relationships, by Dr. Gary Smalley  (See especially “The Power of One: Take Personal Responsibility,” and “What We Can Change: The Change God Most Wants.”)

……………………………..

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.    – James 1:19-20

The Homework for this week, (from Worksheet #9, copy attached) includes:

• Honestly answer the question “Do I have an Anger Problem?”
• If “Yes,” where does it spring from?
  • How have you dealt with Anger in the past?
  • How can you do this better in the future?
• If your answer is “No” – are you certain? Check with those who have known you for some years, AND who are in a position to offer an unbiased…
• Am I contributing to my spouse’s anger problems?
  • Do I allow help them focus their anger on me, when it “belongs” elsewhere?
  • What can I do to help them re-focus – or, better yet, defuse – their anger?

Resources we mentioned in class for “Anger”:

“Cage the Rage” – a series of seven talks by Brad Powell. These date back to July and August 1998, and while available as a boxed set of CASSETTE TAPES at one time, the series is now old enough that it may well be out of circulation….

 The Man In The Mirror (“Solving the 24 Problems Men Face”), by Patrick Morley.  This is a classic, and covers a broad range of issues; Part Five addresses “Solving Our Temperament Problems,” including Pride, Fear, and Anger…

From Anger to Intimacy (“How Forgiveness Can Transform Your Marriage”), by Dr. Gary Smalley and Ted Cunningham
          “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,  and do not give the devil a foothold.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.       – Ephesians 4:26-27; 29-32

This coming Monday (Mar 23):

First Hour:    We will wrap up the discussion of “Handling Anger Constructively.” 
 Remember that this is the Official Group Feedback / Participation portion of the discussion!

Second Hour:    Doug & Michele will being Topic 10: “Speaking the Truth in Love.” 
Not to be missed!   This is the “other half” of The Third Option’s two main “Communication” topics, which began with “Listening Beyond the Words.”  It is also the precursor to our next topic: “Conflict Resolution.”

Have a Blessed Weekend –

The Marriage Builders Team

        Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
        Love never fails.         –  1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Worksheet #9
Topic #9 – Anger Notes

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,  who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.  For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.        – 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Good Day!

This past Monday, Doug & Michele finished up “Personality Differences” during our first hour of discussion.

 Two Personality Type Resources mentioned – visit their respective websites for additional information: 
         The Myers-Briggs Personality Inventory (http://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/mbti-basics/),  and
The Enneagram Institute (http://www.enneagraminstitute.com).


When the apostles returned, they reported to Jesus what they had done. Then he took them with him and they withdrew by themselves to a town called Bethsaida, but the crowds learned about it and followed him. He welcomed them and spoke to them about the kingdom of God, and healed those who needed healing.    – Luke 9:10-11

Tony & Linda introduced “Childhood Issues and Emotional Baggage” during our 2nd Hour last week, which emphasizes  the importance of understanding both Our Spouse’s AND Our Own “History”  –  and the Emotional Baggage & Unfinished Business we carry with us.  These factors can impact even the best of marriages, and we will wrap up this important discussion during our First Hour this coming Monday.

Whoever is patient has great understanding,
but one who is quick-tempered displays folly.   – Proverbs 14:29

Your Homework for this week includes:    (Notes and a copy of the Worksheet for Topic 8 “Childhood Issues…” are attached.)

•  “Read & Follow” Exercise 9 from “Getting The Love You Want,” by Harville Hendrix (See #1 below: This is the “Suggested Exercise” from the Topic 8 Worksheet!).

1. See the attached copy of Exercise 9(Reromanticizing Your Marriage.pdf) from Hendrix’ book.
2. Take some time to write down YOUR VISION of the “ideal” Relationship(remembering that this IS an “Ideal” – and hence not fully attainable in this life…).

• Compare YOUR VISION from the above exercise with that of your Spouse: 
  • What areas do you agree on?
  • Where do your Visions Disagree?
  • What type of Compromises – or, even better, Win-Win – can you imagine / work toward?
• For #2 above, think in terms of the Unfinished Business, Emotional Baggage, AND, Especially, the NEEDS covered in our discussion of “Childhood Issues and Emotional Baggage.”
•     And, of course, don’t forget the Questions To Ponder from the Topic 8 Worksheet, which ask you to look at both your own, and your spouse’s, Emotional Baggage and Unfinished Business, and “Ponder” what steps you might take to help each other.

            As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth.  His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”
         “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.  As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work.  While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.”
         After saying this, he spit on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the man’s eyes.  “Go,” he told him, “wash in the Pool of Siloam” (this word means “Sent”). So the man went and washed, and came home seeing.                – John 9:1-7

This coming Monday:

First Hour: Tony & Linda will wrap up “Childhood Issues and Emotional Baggage.”   Remember that this is the Group Feedback / Participation portion of the discussion!
  Hint: See Homework notes above….

Second Hour: We will begin the topic of “Handling Anger Constructively” (!) – which is intended to help us identify our own styles for dealing with anger, AND provide some skills to handle anger More Constructively.

Go with God –

Reid & Marilyn, on behalf of the Marriage Builders Team

             “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,  and do not give the devil a foothold.             – Ephesians 4:26-27

Worksheet #8
Topic #8 – Childhood Notes
Reromanticizing Your Marriage

   Before his downfall a man’s heart is proud, but humility comes before honor. 
        He who answers before listening — that is his folly and his shame.    – Proverbs 18:12-13      

Greetings once again:

Last week we wrapped up our discussion of “Listening Beyond The Words” during our first hour of study, and had a few minutes to practice our Reflective Listening Skills.

As with many New Communication Skills, Reflective Listening can seem “artificial” at times, but when the topic is one which tends to set us down the path of Argument / Anger it is well worth the effort to try to better understand WHY our spouse is – and/or We Are – (re)acting in such a manner.

Reflective Listening can be particularly effective in helping us work out long-standing Differences Of Opinion – or to Discover / Better Understand our respective Hopes / Fears for the Future – if we set aside a chunk of Peaceful, No Distraction Time to tackle these subjects.  (Probably best done One Topic At A Time, so as not to overwhelm either partner!)

 As always, Extend Grace to each other, and Honor The Attempt, even though not “perfect….”
(We’ll return to the topic of “Communication” in a couple of weeks, when our topic will be “Speaking the Truth in Love!”)

– True communication does not occur until each person understands the feelings that underlie the spoken words.
– Finding a way to communicate “I Care About You” is a powerful way to demonstrate love, and to build trust.
– Effective communication means Listening and Speaking with your heart: “What is this person feeling?”
– We can listen to someone – and truly care about how they feel – without agreeing with what is being said.
– Effective Communication is:
                Dynamic – it requires careful attention;
                A Process – it takes time;
                Leads to Discovery – you will learn things you didn’t know before;
                Maintains Energy in the Relationship – keeping things fun, exciting, satisfying, and healthy.       
    – Notes From The DNA of Relationships, Dr. Gary Smalley: Chapter 6, “Emotional Communication: Listen with the Heart”

During our second hour last week, Doug & Michele began looking at “Personality Differences” (copies of the Worksheet and Study Notes are attached), with an emphasis on the idea that “There is no such thing as a good or bad personality trait.”

Your Homework for this week includes:

• Keeping track of some of the Personality Traits you notice in your spouse;
• If a given trait seems Negative, look for the POSITIVE aspects within it;
• Consider whether your spouse’s strength is your weakness; and
• Ask “What do I most need to develop in myself?”

And, of course, don’t forget the Questions to Ponder!

This coming Monday (March 9):

First Hour: We will take a closer look at Personality Traits – and, of course, will look forward to YOUR Feedback from the Worksheet Exercises!

Second Hour: Tony and Linda will begin the topic of “Childhood Issues & Emotional Baggage” – an Important, but sometimes Challenging subject, which can help us better understand the source of many of our emotional reactions.

Stay Warm, and have a Wonderful Weekend!

Reid & Marilyn, on behalf of the Marriage Builders Team

 For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.  For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.    
– Romans 12:3-5

On the topic of our Expectations that “Our Spouse Should Be Just Like We Are,” consider the words of Chuck Swindoll:
                Most of us fall short when it comes to letting others be because of two strong and very human tendencies: we compare ourselves with others (which leads us to criticize or compete with them) and weattempt to control others (which results in our manipulating or intimidating them).
Christians seem especially vulnerable when it comes to comparison. For some reason, which I cannot fully discern, we are uneasy with differences. We prefer sameness, predictability, common interests. If someone thinks differently or makes different choices than we do, prefers different entertainment, wears different clothing, has different tastes and opinions, or enjoys a different style of life, most Christians get nervous….
Who wrote the “let’s compare” rulebook? Will you please show me from Scripture where God ispleased with such negative attitudes? Comparison fuels the fire of envy within people. It prompts the tendency to judge. . . it makes us prejudiced people.
The worst part of all is that it nullifies grace. It was never God’s intention for all His children to look alike or embrace identical lifestyles. Look at the natural world He created. What variety! …
Before we will be able to demonstrate sufficient grace to let others be, we’ll have to get rid of thislegalistic tendency to compare. Legalism requires that we all be alike, unified in convictions and uniform in appearance, to which I say, “Let me out!” Grace finds pleasure in differences, encourages individuality, smiles on variety, and leaves plenty of room for disagreement. Remember, it releases others and lets them be, to which I say, “Let me in!”                                – Chuck Swindoll, The Grace Awakening: Believing in grace is one thing. Living it is another.

Worksheet #7

Topic #7 – Personality Notes

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.       – 2 Corinthians 10:5

Greetings:

During our first hour last week, we wrapped up the discussion of Topic #5: “Control Issues.”

Are you a “Robot,” or a “Commander” – ?   And what do you propose to do about it, in either case?

Remember:  Self-discipline and self-control are the hallmarks of a mature adult and the raw material from which healthy marriages are built.

For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people.  It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age…   – Titus 2:11-12

Take Control of Yourself
            1. Be responsible for all of your own emotions and happiness.
            2. Love people unconditionally no matter how they treat you.
            3. Focus on your reactions, not others or your external circumstances.
                       –   From THE DNA of RELATIONSHIPS, by Dr. Gary Smalley
…………………..

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.
If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless.      – James 1:19-20, 26

During the 2nd Hour last Monday, we began Topic #6: “Listening Beyond the Words,” with an emphasis on “Reflective Listening.”

Among the items covered were “Why We Stop Listening to Our Spouse,” the “Tricks We Use to Avoid Listening,” and the “Problems of Scrambling and Static.”     (The Worksheet & Notes for Topic 6 are attached)

Your HOMEWORK for this week – from the Topic #6 Worksheet:

– Practice “Reflective Listening” with your spouse.

– Reflect on YOUR Listening Skills; and

– “Ponder” in what ways your “manner of communication” might be hindering conversation with your spouse.

The discussion of “Listening” will wrap up during our first hour this Monday, then we will move on to Topic #7: Personality Differences.
(Note that we will re-visit Communication in a few weeks with the topic of “Speaking!”)

  (Hint for Monday: You might see an exercise on Reflective Listening pop up – so a bit of practice over the weekend seems a good idea…)    

 The Holy Spirit spoke the truth to your ancestors when he said through Isaiah the prophet:
Go to this people and say,
You will be ever hearing but never understanding;
you will be ever seeing but never perceiving.
For this people’s heart has become calloused;
they hardly hear with their ears,
and they have closed their eyes.
Otherwise they might see with their eyes,
hear with their ears,
understand with their hearts
and turn, and I would heal them.   
                                      – Acts 28:25-27
………………………….

As always, we look forward to seeing everyone on Monday evening.

Go with God –

Reid, Marilyn, & the Marriage Builders Team

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.    – Ephesians 4:32

Topic #6 – Listening Notes

Worksheet #6

LOVE MEANS WE GIVE OUR SPOUSE THE RIGHT TO:
Space and Privacy
Be Different
Disagree

Good Day!

Another week is speeding past, and it is again time to mull over our study of “The Third Option!”

This past Monday, Doug & Michele wrapped up our discussion of “Re-Defining The Power Struggle.”

The attached “Conflict Resolution” sheet contains a list of 10 Strategies which should prove useful when a Conflict arises.
Remember: 1) “Conflict” is when what you want is incompatible with what I want;
& 2) That each couple will need to work this process out for themselves, while maintaining the goal of a “Win/Win.”

Still, these make a great starting point: If you consistently ignore them, you should stop and consider whether or not your “POWER” relationship is out of balance….

LOVE MEANS WE GIVE OUR SPOUSE THE RIGHT TO:
Be Heard
Be Taken Seriously
Be Given the Benefit of the Doubt
Be Told the Truth

During our 2nd Hour last week, Tony & Linda began the discussion of “Topic 5: Control Issues,” looking at the question of “Who is Driving My Life?”   They will conclude “Control” this coming Monday (Feb 23), by having us consider “Where is My Control Center?”along with several other concepts.

HOMEWORK:

From Worksheet #5: Control Issues, think over (P O N D E R….) the questions under BOTH the “Self” AND “In Relation to My Spouse” sections.  Some of these just might come up in discussion Monday.

(A copy of Worksheet #5: Control Issues is attached, along with the Annotated Notes for “Control”)

Have you set a GOAL for “Control Issues?”   If so, What is it?  Have you tried to reach it?
And, if NOT: Why Not?   What is holding you back?

Honest Self-reflection is critical in this process – as is Practice, Practice, Practice……
   

LOVE MEANS WE GIVE OUR SPOUSE THE RIGHT TO:
Be Consulted
Be Imperfect and make Mistakes
Courteous and Honorable Treatment
“Couples Bill of Rights,” The Third Option

For our 2nd Hour this Monday, Reid & Marilyn will begin the discussion of “Topic 6: Listening Beyond the Words.”

“Communication” is one of the most frequently cited “problem areas” for couples – and (ENGAGED!) Listening is a vital component of effective communication: you won’t want to miss this important topic!

Have a Wonderful Weekend, and we’ll look forward to seeing you Monday evening!

Go with God –

Reid & Marilyn, Tony & Linda, and Doug & Michele

Tony & Linda:     tdefelicejr@aol.com
Doug:                    dbk65@msn.com
Michele:               m.koser@sbcglobal.net
Reid & Marilyn:  kistler96@gmail.com
Marilyn:                mgkistler@gmail.com
Reid:                      rdkistler@gmail.com

PS: We’ve also attached a Revised Study Schedule, reflecting the impact of the Snow Day on Feb 2! 

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.       – Galatians 5:22-26

Attachments

Topic #5 – Control Notes
Third Option Winter 2015 Schedule – Revised
Worksheet #5
Conflict Resolution

From “The Love Dare”: 
Love encourages: Divorce is nearly inevitable when people refuse to allow their spouses to be human. Choose to live by encouragement rather than by expectations.

Eliminate the poison of unrealistic expectations in your home. Think of one area where your spouse has told you you’re expecting too much, and tell them you’re sorry for being so hard on them about it. Promise them you’ll seek to understand, and assure them of your unconditional love.

         Guard my soul and deliver me; do not let me be ashamed, for I take refuge in You. – Psalm 25:20
Greetings!

This has been a week in which we Really Wish we had an additional 2 or 3 days.

Or perhaps 4 or 5….

Of course, the Question under debate is whether being Disappointed because we do NOT have those extra days is an example of an UN-Realistic Expectation?!?
        (Although we do maintain that the EXPECTATION that our Furnace would NOT fail this week should not have been considered Entirely UN-Realistic!   Sigh….)

 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.    – Philippians 4:4-6

We wrapped up Topic 2 last week (RESPONSIBILITY AND THE BLAME GAME) and began Topic 3:UNDERSTANDING EXPECTATIONS, by looking at Where Expectations come from, some common Examples, and (of course) How Expectations become Problems within a Marriage.

Copies of the Notes & Worksheet for “Expectations” are attached.

In addition to the “Questions to Ponder” on the Worksheet, hopefully you have made note of the Suggested Exercises:
a) Keep a list of when you get irritated or angry – and think about the accompanying Expectations & their Source(s);

1.      b)  Note how often you use the words “Should” or “Ought” – and attempt to translate those items into “Hopes.”

        We will wrap up our discussion of “Expectations” this Monday (Feb 2!), and whether you actually have a WEEK’s worth of “Irritations,” “Shoulds,” or “Oughts” (or not), you may want to spend a few minutes to come up with at least a couple of thoughts….
 One point to remember: Expectations – as with Feelings – are neither right nor wrong: it is what we do with them that matters:

 “Expectations become problems when they’re  UNconcious, UNrealistic, UNspoken, or UNsettled.” 
During our 2nd Hour on Monday, Doug & Michele will begin Topic 4: RE-DEFINING THE POWER STRUGGLE:  What does “Balance” look like within a Power Struggle – and how can we reach it?

 Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.    –  Psalm 139:23-24

Have a blessed weekend – and we look forward to seeing everyone at 7pm Monday evening!

Go with God –

Reid & Marilyn, on behalf of the Marriage Builders Team

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”      – John 16:33

Another look at the impact of “Misplaced (or UN-Realistic…) Expectations,” From Smalley’s “Marriage Restoration Retreat Training Manual”: 
More often than not, your emotions an

[L]et’s take a look at what the Fear Dance might look like for you.

1. You hurt. What does your hurt look like? Think of the range of emotions you feel when you are wounded: bewilderment, sadness, disconnection, anger, confusion, worry, rage, frustration, horror, embarrassment. Those are just a handful of the words that could describe your real-life hurts.
2. You want.When you hurt, you want a solution. You want things that will make you feel better. Sometimes you might think that eating will make you feel better, shopping will replace the hurt, … drinking will dull the pain. You spin lists of things that you believe would satisfy your wants. Or you reduce the conflict to that one, solitary thing that you believe you need to feel satisfied:if only the other person would change so that you could feel better.

Without realizing it, you often expect that the other person will change to satisfy you and give you what you want. You see that person both as your problem and as your solution: You think, If only my spouse would change. Or, If only I had a different boss, I would get the promotion at work. Or, If only she would just … Or, If only my friends would … The end of that sentence is always: then I could be happy.

Do you see the common thread in all this thinking? Two words: misplaced expectations.. When you expect people, places, and things to fulfill your wants, you will be disappointed. And anytime you put your expectations for help in the wrong place, the result is fear.

3. You fear. …. [W]e have come to realize that when a conflict stirs powerful emotions of hurt and want, it also touches specific fears.
   ….Greg and Bob’s team found that…. Our deepest fears, then, are the fear of losing connection and losing control.
4. You react. If you are like most people, you consciously and unconsciously fall into well-worn patterns of reacting when someone pushes your fear button. You’ll do anything to soothe your hurt. You’ll do anything to avoid the awful feeling of want. You’ll do or say anything to calm your fear.

d thinking result in behavior that damages your relationships. When you fear that your wants will not be fulfilled, you react. You may fear losing control, so you try to seize control.

You may fear losing connection, so you try to seize connection. Our team describes these reactions as your attempt to become the broker for your own wants. You desperately want your way to be sovereign, to overcome your feelings of helplessness.

This means that it’s not merely your core fear that disrupts and injures your relationships. It’s how you choose to react when someone pushes your fear button. Most of us use unhealthy, faulty reactions to deal with our fear, and as a result we sabotage our relationships.
Through “The Third Option,” we hope to both identify Problematical Areas in our marriages, AND to learn Healthy(ier) Ways of dealing with them.

Attachments

Worksheet #3
Topic #3 – Expectations Notes