Month: <span>April 2015</span>

Marriage never ‘works.’ We have to work at marriage…
                It doesn’t do any good to have the tools unless we use them.            – The Third Option

            My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

            Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.

            If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless.
-James 1:19-20, 22-26
    Good Day!

Our Winter 2015 study of “The Third Option” will wrap this coming Monday (April 27), when we tackle the final hour of  Topic 14: Re-Building Trust.
During the second hour on Monday we will look at your preferences for Small Groups & Social Event options, plus a quick peek at the Spring study.

                  REMINDER:  Our Short SPRING 2015 series on “The Best of The Third Option”  ( – ! – ) will begin on Monday, May 4, and run through Jun 8.
                   (We will not meet on May 25th, which is Memorial Day.)

Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.  So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches?      – Luke 16:10-11

As always, please take the time to look over the Worksheet for Topic 14 (Re-Building Trust) before class next Monday:

Did any of the concepts presented in this topic provide new insights for you?

What about the balance between Trusting Too Much   – – – – or Too Little?

How do we go about “Testing” the amount of Trust we extend to another? Especially to our Spouse?

The Worksheet and Notes (Annotated…) pages for Topic 14 are attached. 

Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world.  This is how you can recognize the Spirit of God: Every spirit that acknowledges that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God, but every spirit that does not acknowledge Jesus is not from God. This is the spirit of the antichrist, which you have heard is coming and even now is already in the world.
            Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.  Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.     – 1 John 4:1-3, 7-8

Referring to the two quotes at the top of this message, we strongly encourage each of you to refer to the ideas and skills presented – not only in Topic 14, but throughout this study – and to Practice them daily, so as to better develop Good Relationship Habits….                  

                It took years to develop the patterns you have; it is going to take time to fix them. 
               “Two steps forward, one step back” is still progress.     – The Third Option
   

Have a wonderful – and blessed –  Weekend!  We look forward to seeing you this Monday – and, by current count, a fair number of you on May 4!

Go with God –

                            Michele, Doug, Linda, Tony, Marilyn, & Reid

            Like breaking in a new pair of shoes, trying new skills will feel awkward and uncomfortable at first. But after a few times they will begin to feel comfortable.
– The Third Option

            You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires;  to be made new in the attitude of your minds;  and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.  “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.  Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.  And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.  Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
– Ephesians 4:22-32

Worksheet #14
Topic #14 – Trust Notes

If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.    – 1 John 1:8-9

Greetings –

We are nearing the end of the Winter 2015 study of “The Third Option.”
Last Monday we concluded Topic 12: “Feelings and The Hurt Spiral,” and then Doug & Michele began Topic 13: “Forgiveness and Repair.”
The Winter session will officially finish up over the next two Mondays, with the 2nd Hour of “Forgiveness” this Monday (April 20), followed by Topic 14: “Re-Building Trust,” which will conclude on April 27.

     Logistical Notes:

1)        We will once again offer a short “Best of The Third Option” series, scheduled to run from May 4 – Jun 8.  (6 weeks, but only 5 classes, due to the Memorial Day holiday)

In essence, this is really a Continuation of the Winter study, as we intend to go deeper into topics we have previously covered, while also presenting some material that “The Third Option” provides as “Optional.”     The “Best Of….” sessions tend to draw a somewhat smaller group. If that holds true, we hope to be able to lose the microphones, and run the study as more of a Small Group, at least for part of each evening.

2)       If you MISSED last Monday – but are able to attend This Coming Monday (April 20), please come up & see us, either before class, or at the break:

a)  We have a “Course Evaluation” that we would like you to fill out; and

b)  We will also have a sheet that queries your (Potential) interest in the “Spring” session and our Proposed Topics, along with possible Small Group / Social Activities…………………………………………

Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.      – Matthew 6:12-15

Perhaps more than any other 3 Topic sequence in “The Third Option,” Topics 12 to 14 build tightly upon each other.

Last week we completed the discussion of Topic 12: “Feelings and The Hurt Spiral,” after which we began to look at Topic 13: “Forgiveness and Repair.”   Doug & Michele will wrap up Topic 13 on Monday, and then Tony & Linda will complete the sequence with Topic 14: “Re-Building Trust,” which will carry over to April 27, the final evening of the “Winter 2015” session.

As usual, the Worksheet and Class Notes for Topic 13 are attached, along with “The Forgiveness Process,” and “Grief” from “The Third Option” materials.

In addition, a copy of “Bitterness vs. Forgiveness” is attached (from Ministering the Steps to Freedom in Christ).
This latter includes a Precise set of “directions,” including 3 Specific prayers, references to pertinent Bible passages, and some worthwhile Observations & Wisdom, including:
 You don’t forgive someone for their sake; you do it for your own sake so you can be free. Your need to forgive isn’t an issue between you and the offender; it’s between you and God.

And, of course – and also As Usual – the “Questions to Ponder” on the Worksheet are deserving of at least a few minutes Reflection:

• For what do I need to ask Forgiveness?
• To whom – beyond my spouse – do I need to Apologize?   (Or Seek Forgiveness From?)
• Am I “nursing” any Grudges?  Have I allowed myself to Become Bitter over some “Wrong” – Intentional or Otherwise?

 Within a Marriage, or other Significant Relationship, Forgiveness is a process that requires both parties to participate in – given the Third Option goal of Reconciliation.       But even in circumstances where Reconciliation is not possible, we are still called to Forgive.
 
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We pray you have a Wonderful Weekend, and look forward to seeing everyone on Monday Evening.

Go with God –
Reid, Marilyn, Tony & Linda, and Doug & Michele

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.             
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.     – Colossians 3:12-15

Worksheet #13
Topic #13 – Forgiveness Notes
Third Option – The Forgiveness Process
Third Option – Grief
Forgiveness vs. Bitterness

The apostles gathered around Jesus and reported to him all they had done and taught. Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.”    – Mark 6:30-32

We pray that everyone is having a good week – even though Real Spring remains elusive! – and that you are looking forward to at least a Somewhat Relaxing Weekend.   To that end, we are keeping this message (relatively….) brief – discounting attachments & the bonus “Money” material at the end….

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Last week we completed our discussion of “Conflict Resolution,” and then began Topic 12: “Feelings and The Hurt Spiral,” which we will wrap on this Monday (April 13!), before we turn our attention to Topic 13 – “Forgiveness and Repair.”

Even if we get everything else right, if we stumble on Forgiveness we both Inflict AND Suffer continuing pain.
We hope you will be able to join us on Monday, as Doug & Michele begin leading us through this important topic.

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.  But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father who is in heaven forgive your sins.            – Mark 11:25-26
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Note how closely related the Topics of “Conflict Resolution,” “Feelings and The Hurt Spiral,” and “Forgiveness and Repair” are.  And what a central part “Anger” can play in each of these:

Letting go of our Anger can be very difficult, particularly if we have been genuinely hurt in the past. But dealing with Anger, and the resultant Feelings, in a Healthy Manner, is an important part of both Appropriately Handling Conflict, and the Forgiveness process – and hence the repair of our relationships. Certainly, anger has a place – and we need to use Discernment so as not to put ourselves in a position of danger – but it is almost always worthwhile to take the chance of setting our anger aside with someone we love, and whom we have reason to believe loves us.

  Perhaps the following words from Dr. Gary Chapman will be of some benefit:

Satan has used many strategies to mischannel God’s intention for human anger. One of the most powerful is to make us think that all of our anger is of equal value; that is, that all of our anger is valid. Two kinds of anger exist: definitive and distorted. Definitive anger is born of wrongdoing. Someone treats us unfairly, lies about us or in some other way does us wrong. This is valid anger.
The second kind of anger, however, is not valid. It is triggered by a mere disappointment, an unfulfilled desire, a frustrated effort. No wrong was committed. This is distorted anger, and learning the difference between definitive and distorted anger is the first step in handling anger in a godly way….

Are You a Perfectionist?
Two questions are important in determining the validity of anger. The first is, “What wrong was committed?” The second is, “Am I sure I have all the facts?”
The perfectionist has high expectations not only for himself, but for others. When people do not live up to these expectations, he will often get angry. Such anger is distorted. Don’t allow your perfectionistic personality to keep you angry with your spouse. Let your spouse be who he or she is – a little less than perfect.

Often in marriage we get angry because something our spouse says or does embarrasses us. Something they fail to do irritates us. We start thinking, “I can’t depend on her for anything. She doesn’t love me. If she loved me, she would not let this happen.” When you are angry, think before you act. Make sure you have all of the facts, and pray for wisdom. You may discover that your anger is distorted….

Love is a choice
How can we express love to our spouses when we are full of hurt, anger, and resentment over past failures? Remember the words of Jesus: “Love your enemies. Bless those who curse you.” Why would Jesus say this? Because love is the most powerful weapon to change the heart of the other person. Love doesn’t erase the past, but it makes the future different….

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  Attachments for Topic 12 (“Feelings”):
In addition to the WorkSheet and Notes for Topic 12, we are also including a copy of “Peeling the Onion,”an exercise that is intended to help couples to “Talk Backwards” in hope of uncovering the Emotion(s) BEHIND the currently felt Hurt.

Please review this material before class Monday evening – and particularly, of course, the “Questions to Ponder” on the Topic 12 Worksheet!

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Have a Blessed Weekend, and we look forward to seeing you Monday evening –

Reid & Marilyn, Tony & Linda, and Doug & Michele

         May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.     – 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

             Dear friend, I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well.        – 3 John 1:2

PS:  Last week we passed out a copy of “The Dynamics of Money,” which briefly covers “Guidelines to Handling Money,” and “A Budget Planning Guide.”

We have attached a copy of this document to this message, and you will also find a list of sample “Money” resources below.

Money Personalities and Other Financial Resources

First Comes Love, Then Comes Money: A Couple’s Guide to Financial Communication, by Bethany & Scott Palmer. (Now retitled Love and Money)   www.themoneycouple.com       They offer a couple of books for sale, but also provide a number of FREE resources, including “Money Personality” PDFs, “Money Couple Minute” and other related articles.

Carpe Diem: Seize the Day, by Tony Campolo.   Especially: Part V – Deciding on a Calling (Having Dreams and Visions; Daring to Go for It!), and Part IX – Coming Alive While Making a Living (This Job is Killing Me; Community in the Workplace)

Crown Ministries: www.crown.org
Crown envelopes: Free Online Envelope Budgeting
Personal Finance Articles
Steps to Making a Budget
Accelerated Debt Payoff Calculator

Financial Peace University – David Ramsey  (www.daveramsey.com/fpu)
Approximately 20 churches in the Greater Detroit Area offer classes, 1 – 3 times per year – Including NorthRidge, of course!
Comment: Can seems a bit overly commercial at times – but a lot of people have gone through the FPU study, and seem very pleased with the results.

Night Light: A Devotional for Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson.
Especially: Week Fourteen – The Money Game; Week Sixteen – To Fight or Not to Fight?

The Man in the Mirror: Solving the 24 Problems Men Face, by Patrick Morley    Part Three: Solving Our Money Problems (Money: A Biblical Point of View; The Four Pillars of Financial Strength)

You Need A Budget:  www.youneedabudget.com .
Another commercial site, which sells budgeting software for Windows, Mac, Android & iPhone. (“34 Day Full-Featured Demo”). HOWEVER, they also provide background and instruction on “The YNAB Method”:  Give Every Dollar a Job; Save for a Rainy Day; Roll With the Punches; and – the Ultimate Goal under their plan – Stop Living Paycheck to Paycheck.
“You Need a Budget” book is available in print ($9.95) or For FREE Online (downloadable PDF).
Video Classes & Tutorials are also available – at no charge – either Live, allowing for feedback, or Recorded.

Worksheet #12
Topic #12 – Feelings Notes
Third Option – Peel the Onion
Third Option – The Dynamics of Money (Topic #11)

            Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion,  then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind.  
            Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,  not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.      – Philippians 2:1-4

“Housekeeping” –

We are closing in on the Final Weeks of the Winter 2015 study of The Third Option.  

We will meet for the next 4 Mondays, and wrap things up as below:

Apr 6:            Begin Topic 12 – “Feelings and The Hurt Spiral”
Apr 13:          Begin Topic 13 – “Forgiveness and Repair”
Apr 20:          Begin Topic 14 – “Re-Building Trust”            (Also: Study Evaluations: YOUR chance for feedback!)
Apr 27:          Wrap up Topic 14; Study Review / Possible “Bonus” Material; “What’s Next?”   This will be the last night for the WINTER 2015 Study.

  May 4 – Jun 8: Spring Study – “The Best of The Third Option”     5 class sessions (No classes are scheduled on May 25th, Memorial Day)

     IF you missed any of the topics this Winter – or are simply interested in revisiting a few of them –  the Spring Study will feature some of the “Highlights” of The Third Option study.  Participants in this session will have input as to some of the Topics we cover, as well as possible “Extra” material.  

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The video that Doug & Michele showed last week was  “It’s Not About the Nail,” from Jason Headley.
It can be found at https://vimeo.com/66753575, along with a link to other videos by Jason Headley.
 (Disclaimer: There are 48 titles credited to Mr. Headley; we cannot vouch for the contents of all of them!)

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Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels.  And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful.  Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth,  and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will.    – 2 Timothy 2:23-26

Last week we wrapped up “Speaking the Truth in Love” during our first hour, and then began our discussion of Topic 11: How to Fight Fair: Conflict Resolution.   Copies of the Worksheet and Notes for Topic 11  (“Conflict”) are attached. 

This Monday, of course, we will begin by looking at the Homework for Topic 11: 

•         What is your reaction to the “Ground Rules” provided on the Worksheet for “Conflict Resolution?”
•         Are there any you DISAGREE with, AND/OR have problems sticking to?    Which One(s)?   Why?
•         How easy is it to follow “The Process” shown on the Worksheet?  Which one(s) of these would you Modify to suit your particular circumstance / personality(ies)?
•         Have you established / attempted to set any Policies for handling disagreements?   Any you would suggest to the group?

     Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.  See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble….     – Hebrews 12:14-15

During our 2nd hour this Monday, we will begin the discussion of Topic 12: “Feelings and The Hurt Spiral.”

These remaining Topics will cover some challenging-to-downright-difficult material, and we hope you will be able to participate in them.

Have a Blessed Easter Weekend, and we look forward to seeing you Monday evening –

The Marriage Builders Team

 “I want to be married to somebody like Jesus,” a woman said to me as she and her husband sat in my office for marriage counseling. “I don’t mean somebody who’s perfect or has the power to be a messiah. I mean somebody who knows how to feel things like Jesus did. I wish I were married to somebody who could feel my hurts and know what rages in my soul without having to be told.”
             “So do I,” her husband said quietly. “So do I.”

               Regrettably, most of those who realize they have lost their first love and decide they have to do something about it end up doing the wrong thing. They get divorced…. They think new partners will bring them what they are looking for, when in reality the best possibilities for passion in marriage can be found in working things out right where they are. New marriages are not the answer. What most people need is a new approach to living out marriage in their present relationships. In the case of marriage, it is possible to pour new wine into old wineskins without having the old wineskins torn asunder.

                Relationships that once burned with passion need not dissipate into dead indifference. The fading of emotion in personal relationships is not an inevitability. The gospel declares otherwise. If a marriage seems dead, remember that every Easter is an evidence of resurrection, and every Christmas tells us there can be a rebirth of love. But it takes discipline and effort to make a marriage live. And finding out just what needs to be done to make and keep marriage passionate must become our focus.

                 – Tony Campolo: “Carpe Diem: Seize the Day”  (Chapter 20: “Where Have All the Flowers Gone?”)

Worksheet #11
Topic #11 – Conflict Resolution Notes
Third Option – The Dynamics of Money