The apostles gathered around Jesus and reported to him all they had done and taught. Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.” – Mark 6:30-32
We pray that everyone is having a good week – even though Real Spring remains elusive! – and that you are looking forward to at least a Somewhat Relaxing Weekend. To that end, we are keeping this message (relatively….) brief – discounting attachments & the bonus “Money” material at the end….
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Last week we completed our discussion of “Conflict Resolution,” and then began Topic 12: “Feelings and The Hurt Spiral,” which we will wrap on this Monday (April 13!), before we turn our attention to Topic 13 – “Forgiveness and Repair.”
Even if we get everything else right, if we stumble on Forgiveness we both Inflict AND Suffer continuing pain.
We hope you will be able to join us on Monday, as Doug & Michele begin leading us through this important topic.
And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father who is in heaven forgive your sins. – Mark 11:25-26
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Note how closely related the Topics of “Conflict Resolution,” “Feelings and The Hurt Spiral,” and “Forgiveness and Repair” are. And what a central part “Anger” can play in each of these:
Letting go of our Anger can be very difficult, particularly if we have been genuinely hurt in the past. But dealing with Anger, and the resultant Feelings, in a Healthy Manner, is an important part of both Appropriately Handling Conflict, and the Forgiveness process – and hence the repair of our relationships. Certainly, anger has a place – and we need to use Discernment so as not to put ourselves in a position of danger – but it is almost always worthwhile to take the chance of setting our anger aside with someone we love, and whom we have reason to believe loves us.
Perhaps the following words from Dr. Gary Chapman will be of some benefit:
Satan has used many strategies to mischannel God’s intention for human anger. One of the most powerful is to make us think that all of our anger is of equal value; that is, that all of our anger is valid. Two kinds of anger exist: definitive and distorted. Definitive anger is born of wrongdoing. Someone treats us unfairly, lies about us or in some other way does us wrong. This is valid anger.
The second kind of anger, however, is not valid. It is triggered by a mere disappointment, an unfulfilled desire, a frustrated effort. No wrong was committed. This is distorted anger, and learning the difference between definitive and distorted anger is the first step in handling anger in a godly way….
Are You a Perfectionist?
Two questions are important in determining the validity of anger. The first is, “What wrong was committed?” The second is, “Am I sure I have all the facts?”
The perfectionist has high expectations not only for himself, but for others. When people do not live up to these expectations, he will often get angry. Such anger is distorted. Don’t allow your perfectionistic personality to keep you angry with your spouse. Let your spouse be who he or she is – a little less than perfect.
Often in marriage we get angry because something our spouse says or does embarrasses us. Something they fail to do irritates us. We start thinking, “I can’t depend on her for anything. She doesn’t love me. If she loved me, she would not let this happen.” When you are angry, think before you act. Make sure you have all of the facts, and pray for wisdom. You may discover that your anger is distorted….
Love is a choice
How can we express love to our spouses when we are full of hurt, anger, and resentment over past failures? Remember the words of Jesus: “Love your enemies. Bless those who curse you.” Why would Jesus say this? Because love is the most powerful weapon to change the heart of the other person. Love doesn’t erase the past, but it makes the future different….
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Attachments for Topic 12 (“Feelings”):
In addition to the WorkSheet and Notes for Topic 12, we are also including a copy of “Peeling the Onion,”an exercise that is intended to help couples to “Talk Backwards” in hope of uncovering the Emotion(s) BEHIND the currently felt Hurt.
Please review this material before class Monday evening – and particularly, of course, the “Questions to Ponder” on the Topic 12 Worksheet!
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Have a Blessed Weekend, and we look forward to seeing you Monday evening –
Reid & Marilyn, Tony & Linda, and Doug & Michele
May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word. – 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
Dear friend, I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well. – 3 John 1:2
PS: Last week we passed out a copy of “The Dynamics of Money,” which briefly covers “Guidelines to Handling Money,” and “A Budget Planning Guide.”
We have attached a copy of this document to this message, and you will also find a list of sample “Money” resources below.
Money Personalities and Other Financial Resources
First Comes Love, Then Comes Money: A Couple’s Guide to Financial Communication, by Bethany & Scott Palmer. (Now retitled Love and Money) www.themoneycouple.com They offer a couple of books for sale, but also provide a number of FREE resources, including “Money Personality” PDFs, “Money Couple Minute” and other related articles.
Carpe Diem: Seize the Day, by Tony Campolo. Especially: Part V – Deciding on a Calling (Having Dreams and Visions; Daring to Go for It!), and Part IX – Coming Alive While Making a Living (This Job is Killing Me; Community in the Workplace)
Crown Ministries: www.crown.org
Crown envelopes: Free Online Envelope Budgeting
Personal Finance Articles
Steps to Making a Budget
Accelerated Debt Payoff Calculator
Financial Peace University – David Ramsey (www.daveramsey.com/fpu)
Approximately 20 churches in the Greater Detroit Area offer classes, 1 – 3 times per year – Including NorthRidge, of course!
Comment: Can seems a bit overly commercial at times – but a lot of people have gone through the FPU study, and seem very pleased with the results.
Night Light: A Devotional for Couples, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson.
Especially: Week Fourteen – The Money Game; Week Sixteen – To Fight or Not to Fight?
The Man in the Mirror: Solving the 24 Problems Men Face, by Patrick Morley Part Three: Solving Our Money Problems (Money: A Biblical Point of View; The Four Pillars of Financial Strength)
You Need A Budget: www.youneedabudget.com .
Another commercial site, which sells budgeting software for Windows, Mac, Android & iPhone. (“34 Day Full-Featured Demo”). HOWEVER, they also provide background and instruction on “The YNAB Method”: Give Every Dollar a Job; Save for a Rainy Day; Roll With the Punches; and – the Ultimate Goal under their plan – Stop Living Paycheck to Paycheck.
“You Need a Budget” book is available in print ($9.95) or For FREE Online (downloadable PDF).
Video Classes & Tutorials are also available – at no charge – either Live, allowing for feedback, or Recorded.
Worksheet #12
Topic #12 – Feelings Notes
Third Option – Peel the Onion
Third Option – The Dynamics of Money (Topic #11)