From “The Love Dare”:
Love encourages: Divorce is nearly inevitable when people refuse to allow their spouses to be human. Choose to live by encouragement rather than by expectations.
Eliminate the poison of unrealistic expectations in your home. Think of one area where your spouse has told you you’re expecting too much, and tell them you’re sorry for being so hard on them about it. Promise them you’ll seek to understand, and assure them of your unconditional love.
Guard my soul and deliver me; do not let me be ashamed, for I take refuge in You. – Psalm 25:20
Greetings!
This has been a week in which we Really Wish we had an additional 2 or 3 days.
Or perhaps 4 or 5….
Of course, the Question under debate is whether being Disappointed because we do NOT have those extra days is an example of an UN-Realistic Expectation?!?
(Although we do maintain that the EXPECTATION that our Furnace would NOT fail this week should not have been considered Entirely UN-Realistic! Sigh….)
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 4:4-6
We wrapped up Topic 2 last week (RESPONSIBILITY AND THE BLAME GAME) and began Topic 3:UNDERSTANDING EXPECTATIONS, by looking at Where Expectations come from, some common Examples, and (of course) How Expectations become Problems within a Marriage.
Copies of the Notes & Worksheet for “Expectations” are attached.
In addition to the “Questions to Ponder” on the Worksheet, hopefully you have made note of the Suggested Exercises:
a) Keep a list of when you get irritated or angry – and think about the accompanying Expectations & their Source(s);
- b) Note how often you use the words “Should” or “Ought” – and attempt to translate those items into “Hopes.”
We will wrap up our discussion of “Expectations” this Monday (Feb 2!), and whether you actually have a WEEK’s worth of “Irritations,” “Shoulds,” or “Oughts” (or not), you may want to spend a few minutes to come up with at least a couple of thoughts….
One point to remember: Expectations – as with Feelings – are neither right nor wrong: it is what we do with them that matters:
“Expectations become problems when they’re UNconcious, UNrealistic, UNspoken, or UNsettled.”
During our 2nd Hour on Monday, Doug & Michele will begin Topic 4: RE-DEFINING THE POWER STRUGGLE: What does “Balance” look like within a Power Struggle – and how can we reach it?
Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. – Psalm 139:23-24
Have a blessed weekend – and we look forward to seeing everyone at 7pm Monday evening!
Go with God –
Reid & Marilyn, on behalf of the Marriage Builders Team
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33
Another look at the impact of “Misplaced (or UN-Realistic…) Expectations,” From Smalley’s “Marriage Restoration Retreat Training Manual”:
More often than not, your emotions an
[L]et’s take a look at what the Fear Dance might look like for you.
- You hurt. What does your hurt look like? Think of the range of emotions you feel when you are wounded: bewilderment, sadness, disconnection, anger, confusion, worry, rage, frustration, horror, embarrassment. Those are just a handful of the words that could describe your real-life hurts.
- You want.When you hurt, you want a solution. You want things that will make you feel better. Sometimes you might think that eating will make you feel better, shopping will replace the hurt, … drinking will dull the pain. You spin lists of things that you believe would satisfy your wants. Or you reduce the conflict to that one, solitary thing that you believe you need to feel satisfied:if only the other person would change so that you could feel better.
Without realizing it, you often expect that the other person will change to satisfy you and give you what you want. You see that person both as your problem and as your solution: You think, If only my spouse would change. Or, If only I had a different boss, I would get the promotion at work. Or, If only she would just … Or, If only my friends would … The end of that sentence is always: then I could be happy.
Do you see the common thread in all this thinking? Two words: misplaced expectations.. When you expect people, places, and things to fulfill your wants, you will be disappointed. And anytime you put your expectations for help in the wrong place, the result is fear.
- You fear. …. [W]e have come to realize that when a conflict stirs powerful emotions of hurt and want, it also touches specific fears.
….Greg and Bob’s team found that…. Our deepest fears, then, are the fear of losing connection and losing control. - You react. If you are like most people, you consciously and unconsciously fall into well-worn patterns of reacting when someone pushes your fear button. You’ll do anything to soothe your hurt. You’ll do anything to avoid the awful feeling of want. You’ll do or say anything to calm your fear.
d thinking result in behavior that damages your relationships. When you fear that your wants will not be fulfilled, you react. You may fear losing control, so you try to seize control.
You may fear losing connection, so you try to seize connection. Our team describes these reactions as your attempt to become the broker for your own wants. You desperately want your way to be sovereign, to overcome your feelings of helplessness.
This means that it’s not merely your core fear that disrupts and injures your relationships. It’s how you choose to react when someone pushes your fear button. Most of us use unhealthy, faulty reactions to deal with our fear, and as a result we sabotage our relationships.
Through “The Third Option,” we hope to both identify Problematical Areas in our marriages, AND to learn Healthy(ier) Ways of dealing with them.
Attachments
Worksheet #3
Topic #3 – Expectations Notes