Before his downfall a man’s heart is proud, but humility comes before honor.
He who answers before listening — that is his folly and his shame. – Proverbs 18:12-13
Greetings once again:
Last week we wrapped up our discussion of “Listening Beyond The Words” during our first hour of study, and had a few minutes to practice our Reflective Listening Skills.
As with many New Communication Skills, Reflective Listening can seem “artificial” at times, but when the topic is one which tends to set us down the path of Argument / Anger it is well worth the effort to try to better understand WHY our spouse is – and/or We Are – (re)acting in such a manner.
Reflective Listening can be particularly effective in helping us work out long-standing Differences Of Opinion – or to Discover / Better Understand our respective Hopes / Fears for the Future – if we set aside a chunk of Peaceful, No Distraction Time to tackle these subjects. (Probably best done One Topic At A Time, so as not to overwhelm either partner!)
As always, Extend Grace to each other, and Honor The Attempt, even though not “perfect….”
(We’ll return to the topic of “Communication” in a couple of weeks, when our topic will be “Speaking the Truth in Love!”)
– True communication does not occur until each person understands the feelings that underlie the spoken words.
– Finding a way to communicate “I Care About You” is a powerful way to demonstrate love, and to build trust.
– Effective communication means Listening and Speaking with your heart: “What is this person feeling?”
– We can listen to someone – and truly care about how they feel – without agreeing with what is being said.
– Effective Communication is:
Dynamic – it requires careful attention;
A Process – it takes time;
Leads to Discovery – you will learn things you didn’t know before;
Maintains Energy in the Relationship – keeping things fun, exciting, satisfying, and healthy.
– Notes From The DNA of Relationships, Dr. Gary Smalley: Chapter 6, “Emotional Communication: Listen with the Heart”
During our second hour last week, Doug & Michele began looking at “Personality Differences” (copies of the Worksheet and Study Notes are attached), with an emphasis on the idea that “There is no such thing as a good or bad personality trait.”
Your Homework for this week includes:
- Keeping track of some of the Personality Traits you notice in your spouse;
- If a given trait seems Negative, look for the POSITIVE aspects within it;
- Consider whether your spouse’s strength is your weakness; and
- Ask “What do I most need to develop in myself?”
And, of course, don’t forget the Questions to Ponder!
This coming Monday (March 9):
First Hour: We will take a closer look at Personality Traits – and, of course, will look forward to YOUR Feedback from the Worksheet Exercises!
Second Hour: Tony and Linda will begin the topic of “Childhood Issues & Emotional Baggage” – an Important, but sometimes Challenging subject, which can help us better understand the source of many of our emotional reactions.
Stay Warm, and have a Wonderful Weekend!
Reid & Marilyn, on behalf of the Marriage Builders Team
For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.
– Romans 12:3-5
On the topic of our Expectations that “Our Spouse Should Be Just Like We Are,” consider the words of Chuck Swindoll:
Most of us fall short when it comes to letting others be because of two strong and very human tendencies: we compare ourselves with others (which leads us to criticize or compete with them) and weattempt to control others (which results in our manipulating or intimidating them).
Christians seem especially vulnerable when it comes to comparison. For some reason, which I cannot fully discern, we are uneasy with differences. We prefer sameness, predictability, common interests. If someone thinks differently or makes different choices than we do, prefers different entertainment, wears different clothing, has different tastes and opinions, or enjoys a different style of life, most Christians get nervous….
Who wrote the “let’s compare” rulebook? Will you please show me from Scripture where God ispleased with such negative attitudes? Comparison fuels the fire of envy within people. It prompts the tendency to judge. . . it makes us prejudiced people.
The worst part of all is that it nullifies grace. It was never God’s intention for all His children to look alike or embrace identical lifestyles. Look at the natural world He created. What variety! …
Before we will be able to demonstrate sufficient grace to let others be, we’ll have to get rid of thislegalistic tendency to compare. Legalism requires that we all be alike, unified in convictions and uniform in appearance, to which I say, “Let me out!” Grace finds pleasure in differences, encourages individuality, smiles on variety, and leaves plenty of room for disagreement. Remember, it releases others and lets them be, to which I say, “Let me in!” – Chuck Swindoll, The Grace Awakening: Believing in grace is one thing. Living it is another.